There is an e-mail newsletter that is published quarterly that is for parents who have suffered a loss of a child either through pregnancy loss or infant loss. In this newsletter they try to have writers share the whole spectrum of the journey, and I was asked to write an article about our "Rainbow Pregnancy" with our twins. I wanted to share it here for my friends and family!
And on a side note - I have my next doctors appointment on Monday morning (6/4/12) at 8:00 am. Prayers are definitely appreciated!
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A rainbow pregnancy – A beautiful journey through the storm
I really never pictured myself ever being in the “baby loss” community before our daughter, Calleigh Joy, was born still on January 18th, 2011.
Our son was born in 1990 and our oldest daughter was born in 1996. When Taylor was around two years old my husband and I decided that we would like to have another baby and finish our little family by having three children I had always wanted three or four kids, so that seemed to be perfect timing. We had married and started our family young, so we were ready to have our last at the ripe old age of 27 or 28.
Well, God had different plans for our lives. We did not get pregnant, well, not until 12 years later! I always knew God had a sense of humor, but to find out I was pregnant about 2 months before my 40th birthday after we wanted to be “done” at 28 was quite comical and an amusing story to share with our friends and family. I had the very false sense of security that after I hit the 12 week mark with absolutely no problems, everything else would fall in to place and that our beautiful baby girl would be born around her due date with a full head of hair and a cute button nose, because, in my fantasy world, whoever made it past 12 weeks was home free. My pregnancy progressed perfectly – every single appointment, ultrasound and lab test we passed with flying colors. When I went in for a routine 27 week appointment I was in a happy-go-lucky, carefree mood, I even joked around with the nurses. I almost wish I would’ve had some sense of what was about to happen, if only I could’ve prepared myself in some way… No heartbeat.
Those two words, 'no heartbeat', thrust me into an unknown world. The scary, unpredictable, emotional, crazy, frustrating, terrifying, maddening world of child-loss. The world of child-loss does not come with a manual or instructions of any kind. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, no right or wrong time to have another baby, or no right answer if a couple should even have another baby. This foreign land must be completely navigated without a compass, GPS, maps or asking for directions along the way. Of course you can pray and ask God to direct your steps, but no audible human voice will be able to answer your many questions and concerns. This world of child-loss is a different road for every single person that is forced in to it.
For Corey and I, our daughters death was (still is!) the single most difficult thing we have ever been through. Deciding to pursue fertility treatments to try and get pregnant again was probably the hardest decision we ever had to make. We had no guarantees, we didn’t have 12 years to “wait and see what happened”, we were still deeply grieving the baby that went straight into heaven to spend eternity with Jesus. I knew I could not replace Calleigh Joy, I just knew my arms and heart ached and they had ached for quite some time. People who have never gone through something like this love to give advice – whether you ask for it or not! I was straight out asked if I thought having another baby would help me get over losing Calleigh. I think over-all people who don’t understand are trying to be helpful, they just need to realize that all I really wanted was for my friends to be there and to support us in whatever decisions we made for our family – not for unsolicited advice.
When our treatments finally worked we found out at 3 1/2 weeks that we were expecting, and at 7 weeks we found out we were expecting TWINS! The level of fear that one feels when they are in a rainbow pregnancy can not even be described unless you have been there. I am currently 14 1/2 weeks along, and even though I’ve made it a week and a half into my second trimester my naivete' is no longer there. I did not feel some overwhelming level of security when I reached the 12 week mark this time, nor do I think I ever will feel secure in the very long 26ish weeks I have left. Only recently have I even had some tiny thoughts of even bringing our twins home from the hospital, before this when I would think about the twins I would imagine myself burying them in the cemetery with their sister.
Fear is something I struggle with daily (if I'm honest- hourly). And a web-site and book that I have found extremely helpful is "The Pregnancy Companion" and the link is: http://www.thepregnancycompanion.com
This is a faith based book written by an OB doctor and one of her patients that has been through several losses herself. I enjoy the Bible verses that they weave through the relevant discussions that all pregnant ladies want to participate in. Their web-site is written in blog-form and one post in particular I keep going back to, "10 Scriptures for Fighting Fear in Pregnancy". I have shared this list with anyone who cares to hear about it!
So, even though we have just barely started the "Rainbow Pregnancy Journey", I am encouraged by the meaning of the rainbow idea. No matter how fierce the storm rages around you, even if there is one beam of sun that breaks through the clouds it can make a beautiful rainbow. Our twins are a constant reminder to me that life is good, God is good, and no matter how much we miss Calleigh, our life on earth is forever changed because she touched our lives. I have also found blogging to be a great way to express myself. If you would like to follow along on our bumpy road we call life, my blog is: http://kindysbeautifulhappiness.blogspot.com/
Blessings to you and yours as you travel along on your own path. May we help each other and encourage each other along the way.
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