1Y. 1W. 1D.

1 year. 1 week. 1 day.

That is how long it’s been since Calleigh Joy was born. In many ways it seems like yesterday and in so many more ways it seems like a lifetime of learning, processing, grieving, sharing, teaching, remembering and crying about what has happened during this past year.

A few of the lessons I’ve learned are:

1.My husband loves me. This one was so important to discover from the beginning. While we were in the hospital having CJ the nurses brought in a packet of pamphlets about baby loss and in one of them it stated that almost 80% of couples that lose a child (at any stage of the child’s life) will not stay together. I remember so vividly Corey and I looking at each other and verbally making a commitment to each other and our marriage. We did not take that statistic as an excuse in case we weren’t getting along, we took it as a challenge to prove it wrong in our relationship. Time and time again Corey has shown unconditional love to me. When I was being unlovable – he loved me. When I was grieving with a hurt so desperate all I wanted was to join Calleigh in heaven – he loved me. When my faith was rocked to the very core of my being and I had doubts about where God even was, let alone if He even cared – he loved me and his faith carried me. When I could not even cry out to God myself because of the anger and resentment that had bottled up inside of me – he loved me and he lifted me in prayer constantly. When I finally conceded to seeing a Christian grief counselor – he loved me and he worked through my weekly assignments with me. When I was on the slippery slope back up from an apparent bottomless pit – he loved me and he gently took my hand and helped me through the rough and slick spots. We are able to rejoice knowing that CJ is enjoying all of heaven’s splendor and one day we will join her as we praise God for all eternity – he loves me and he shares that joy and anticipation of that time when our family will all be together.

2.I have a new normal. Yep, that pretty much sums it up. I remember seeing the saying “normal is just a setting on your dryer” and thinking that was a cute little saying but not truly understanding what it meant. I don’t know that one can fully understand this unless they go through a tragedy. I’m not talking about “my pipes froze and broke” kind of tragedy. I’m talking about something that shakes your complete foundation and makes you examine every area of your life – present and past – kind of tragedy. I have a Pre-CJ normal and I have a Post-CJ normal. What I’ve found is that most of the people who knew me Pre-CJ want me to suddenly return to my “Pre-CJ” normal. They don’t understand my ‘new normal’ nor do they particularly care to. I’ve been told that it’s time to move on and get my life back to normal. Well, as much as I wish that were possible, I will never be the same person as I once was. And that is perfectly fine with me. The old me was not near as compassionate as the new me is. The old me was quite a bit more intolerable of others, insensitive to others’ needs, and had a bad, bad habit of being critical of other people and what they were going through. The new me knows without a shadow of a doubt that unless you have been through the exact same circumstances as someone else, there is absolutely no way to know how you would handle that same situation. My Post-CJ normal does not want to take the time to deal with angry, mean people because there are too many hurting, searching people out there that need a friend. This isn’t saying that my feelings don’t get hurt, I think they probably get hurt much more easily now than ever before! But the ‘new normal me’ tends to steer clear of people who continually hurt me – whether intentional or not.

3.All the time God is good, God is good all the time. The foundations of my faith were shaken to the very core a couple of months after we lost Calleigh. I went through a time initially where I believe I was still in shock and I could walk around and fake quite a few ‘normal-type’ emotions. I walked the walk and talked the talk, but without daily seeking His guidance I was spiraling down at a fast pace. I fooled quite a few people, but inside I was screaming at God. I was so mad that He made me wait twelve years to have a baby – then He took her away without even letting me see life in her eyes, or hear her cry, or change her diaper, or give her a bath, or put a bow in her hair. I had daily reminders that my baby was dead – no new pictures to show off, no new outfits to buy, no Christmas or Birthday presents to purchase. This was not fair and I held God personally responsible for it…. Then I realized that God was OK with that. He knew my pain, my anger, my sadness, He collected each and every tear that I cried, He is the giver of comfort and He knows the pain in the death of a child. God lost His only Son, Jesus, as punishment for our sin, and yes, Jesus now lives in eternity in Heaven with His Father – just like we will live in eternity in heaven someday with CJ and our Heavenly Father. His plan is perfect, and He only wants the best for His children. I didn’t (and still don’t) see the whole picture. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I don’t know what next week will bring. I don’t know if God will grant the desires of my heart, but I can surely say that He will only do what is best for me and use each and every situation to bring Him glory.

1 year. 1 week. 1 day.

Yep, a lot has happened and it is our prayer that we will be a broken vessel that is continually filled up by our Savior and used for God’s glory.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27