Wednesday, February 15, 2012

My Plans. Your Plans. Whose Plans?

OK, I admit it again – I am NOT a patient person. (I think I made that quite clear in my last post.) And as I wait ‘not so patiently’ I also admit to making plans. Plans for future endeavors, plans for my family (and hopefully future family members), plans for what we will do when Justen comes home on leave for three weeks, plans for what needs to be done in the next two and a half weeks until he gets home, plans, plans, plans.

I am currently doing a Bible Study with a group of ladies on-line called “Dwelling in His Presence” by Cynthia Heald. I’m a couple days behind (oops, I seem to confess way too many of my short-comings on here) but the study I was doing today started off with the verse Jeremiah 29:11 – “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”

I am quite familiar with this verse because when my brother and sister-in-law’s middle son was born they chose this as his life verse. Whenever I see or hear this verse I think about Ben. Until today. Well, I still thought about Ben, but I also thought about my situation right now, and what happened this morning, and what has been happening this past year and a half.

I realized a couple days ago that it has been a year and a half since I found out I was pregnant with Calleigh, and I thought about all of the plans we had for her life. Then I got to thinking about how all of our plans changed when she passed away. There would be no first smile, no first teeth, no food that she wouldn’t like, no first steps, no bruised and skinned knees… Then today when I read this verse it hit me – These were all MY plans, not GOD’S plans for her. God had a much greater plan for her, and it included taking her straight to eternity where she would not have to suffer for one second on this earth. Is this the way I planned her life? NO! Do I understand why God chose to take her? NO! But I do appreciate the knowledge that she will be in eternity with Him, that she did not have to chose between sin and God, and that now I know there is no possible way that she could have made the devastating choice to not accept His perfect plan of salvation for her. She is safe and secure in the arms of Jesus, and for that I am truly grateful!

If anyone read my post “Patience is a… Virtue?” you are quite aware that Corey and I are trying to get pregnant again. Eleven days ago we made the trek to Omaha for an IUI procedure that was suppose to help our chances significantly. I was given a pregnancy test to take home and the instruction when we left was to take the test on February 18th, then they told me what to do either way that the test came out. Well, since I already had a test at home I thought I would go ahead and test a few days early too, and against the better judgment and advice of my husband and a close friend that has ‘been there and done the research’ I decided that my first test would be on February 15th. So when we were going to bed last night I asked Corey to wake me up a few minutes before he would have to leave for work so I could take the test while he was still home. (First of all let me say that 5:55 a.m. is just way too early for sane people to be up.) So, I took the test – negative. Negative, I was absolutely sure that it would be positive. I felt at peace that it would be positive. I felt God’s presence in this decision, this procedure, this adventure. As a matter-of-fact I was searching on-line about being two to four weeks pregnant (yes, I was still making my plans) and I read that at 2-3 weeks the baby is the size of a poppy seed, so we already nicknamed our unknown pregnancy child “Poppy”. Negative. As I looked at Corey with tears in my eyes he gently reminded me that I was testing three days early and even if it did not work this time that we would give it another shot. (pun intended since he really did have fun in a twisted sort of way giving me shots for a week) But NEGATIVE – really Lord? This was NOT the way this plan was suppose to go! My plan was for the procedure to work the first time. Financially that would have been the best! My plan was to give birth very soon after my 42nd birthday. My doctors don’t think it’s wise to try for much longer than that. My plan, my plan, my plan.

Then today I read Jeremiah 29:11 – “For I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD.” Oh yes, God’s plan. I kinda forgot about that… GOD’S plans are for GOOD and NOT for DISASTER. GOD’S plans are for our FUTURE and our HOPE.
And then I heard that small still voice inside my head that said, “Will you give Me your plans?” “Will you trust Me for MY plans?’” “I have only your good in mind.” “My plans are always for the best.”

And then I had a peace, knowing that His plans will be for my best. Yes, it still hurts that my test this morning was negative, but I will choose to trust in the One who Made me and holds my future in His palm!

And I also choose to believe that this is why I am a few days late in my Study! God knew I would need this one today! :) (yep, that might be an excuse, but at least you thought about it!)

Peace and Love to All!

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