Wednesday, April 25, 2012

I’ve fallen, and I barely got up…

Yep, it’s true. Yesterday was a beautiful day so on my (almost) daily walk after work with the “boys” (our two dogs, NOT talking about the twins here since I strongly think they are two girls…) I fell. It wasn’t pretty, it wasn’t fun, it was down-right dangerous, and yet I can thank God that He protected me and the twins from anything more than some bumps and bruises.

 So there we were, walking down a sidewalk that I had strolled down hundreds (if not thousands) of times before. But yesterday was such a beautiful day, and the butterflies were out in groves – much, much more than I normally see on my walk. So my mind might have been a bit preoccupied. Or maybe very preoccupied. Well anyway, as we were walking I fell. I don’t remember there being anything there but maybe a rock was on the sidewalk, or maybe the sidewalk was a bit uneven, or maybe I just plain stepped down wrong. I don’t know. But the next thing I knew I was on the ground and in a lot of pain. Thankfully the pain was not in my stomach area – it was mostly in my right foot, knee and hand. As I took a half a second to assess the situation I realized that as I fell I had let go of Jake’s leash. Jake is our “naughty” dog. He’s not really naughty, but we got him when he was a year and half old and if he gets out or loose – he doesn’t come back when he’s called. But he is such a loving dog, that that usually makes up for his lack of listening skills.

 OK, so there I am, on the ground, looking at Jake as he’s looking at me. We’re both just daring each other with our eyes, and then he bolted. Fortunately there was a near-by tree that he stopped to “mark”, so that gave me a couple seconds to try to catch up with him. As I was almost to him, he bolted across the street. My eyes darted down a block and realized there was a car approaching fairly fast (darn high school boy drivers!), so I did something with out even thinking… I pounced. NO, it was not smart. NO, I wasn’t thinking. NO, I was not exercising good judgment.

 As Jake was over half way across the street, the end of his leash was still a good five feet behind him, so that is what I was going for. I leapt out and grabbed the small thin cord of his leash and held on for dear life. When I realized I had caught it I pulled Jake to the side of the road with all my strength and as I crouched there on my hands and knees (still holding on to Ziggy’s leash through this whole ordeal that lasted 15 minutes in my mind, but in reality it only lasted about five seconds!) the car that was quickly approaching (and saw this whole nightmare) stopped in the middle of the road and asked me half laughing, “are you OK?” I said “I really don’t think so” and he said “OK” and drove away… the reality of what I had just done was really starting to sink in. Just then a couple of elementary kids on bikes came up to me and told me that Ziggy was loose (I guess in the craziness of the situation I had finally let go of his leash) and I told them he wouldn’t go anywhere, so the boys rode off. I sat on the edge of the road and realized my foot (yes, I was in flip-flops – DO NOT LECTURE ME!) was bleeding, my knee was skinned up and my hand looked kind of like hamburger. I stood up and in a great deal of pain I proceeded to limp my way to parents’ house that was about five blocks away.

 As I was hobbling down the streets of Palmyra, I really hoped no one was looking out their windows and saw what a mess I was – tears streaming down my face, bloody foot, limping knee, bruised ego… I got about one block from my parents’ house when I remembered that I had my cell phone with me! Not only could’ve I called for someone to come pick me up, I could’ve called for someone to help me get Jake – but I suppose that’s what adrenaline is for!

 My mom fixed me up, gave me something to soak my foot in and let me rest for a while… and she only lectured me a tiny little bit. When I felt a bit better I headed for home and promised her that I would call the doctor or go to the ER if I started having any cramping or bleeding. That evening was spent taking it easy, laying around and monitoring myself pretty closely. When Corey came home from work, I told him the events of the afternoon and he was ready to take me in that evening. But I promised that I would call Dr. Kenney’s office first thing in the morning and let them know what happened and see what they suggested. He was OK with that, as long as I assured him that I would let him take me in that evening if I got worse. That night was awfully painful, my neck, shoulder, hand, knee and foot all ached. I couldn’t take any ibuprofen and was a bit scared to take anything else, so as I lay in bed all I could do was rest my eyes and pray that morning came quickly.

 The next morning I called the office and they wanted to see me. (No surprise there) So I headed in to Lincoln and arrived at my doctor’s office as soon as I could. I was a nervous wreck. I just kept praying, praying, praying that “Twin B” & “Twin A” were all right. Finally I got called back from the waiting area, and after explaining what happened to two different nurses one of them “hooked me up” to the ultrasound machine. And there they were - two perfect, healthy, wiggly, little babies. Their heartbeats were exactly what they had been during my appointment just a week ago, but if I could’ve – I would’ve laid there all day watching them!

So when Dr. Kenney appeared and assessed the damage, I asked him if he still wanted me to come in next week for my previously scheduled appointment. He said since I was there yesterday I could push that one back another week, but assured me that if anything changed or if I had any problems that I was to call right away. So… my next appointment (providing I don’t have any more accidents) that was supposed to be May 2nd is now May 9th! Prayers are very much appreciated!!!

 Oh yeah, and after giving this a bit of thought – I’ve decided to stick with Pre-Natal Yoga! That way if I fall off my yoga ball, I’ll be the only one that sees it! :) 

Love and Peace to All!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Update on Twin B & Twin A . . .

If you noticed I called them Twin B and Twin A. . . This is going to be confusing because the one that was called "Twin A" in Omaha is called "Twin B" in Lincoln!  I realized that I've only 'known' about both of them for 10 days, but Corey and I have become quite fond of talking to them and calling them A & B - now we'll have to switch up which one is which one!  :)

To be quite honest if this is the only 'bump' in the road we run in to I will be VERY HAPPY!!!  :)

Well, if you haven't figured it out, my appointment today went really good.  I was a bit nervous going in - LITERALLY going in to his office.  I paused at the front door, the last time I had stood at that door was January 17th, 2011. We had just gotten the devastating news at my OB's office that Calleigh's heartbeat could not be found and they sent me here to confirm that with an ultrasound.  So, as I paused at the front door with my hand resting on the door handle, I had to stop a moment and remind myself to breathe.

We went through the door, checked in, filled out paperwork, and before I knew it they were calling me back. After a quick check of some vitals (yes, my blood pressure is elevated some - we will need to continue to pray about that!), I was ushered in to Ultrasound Room #2.  I quickly glanced at Corey as we both realized that that was "the room". . .  As we were left in there alone for a minute, Corey asked me if I was OK.  I told him yes, but really all I was thinking about was praying that this time in Room #2 we would have a different outcome than the time before. That this time when we were done we wouldn't need to be ushered out the back door when it was over.

The nurse and student came in and as she started the scan she said "oh boy, your bladder is full".  I had JUST WENT before leaving my house, geesh!  But she was so kind, she showed me TWO heartbeats before she made me go 'empty it'!  :)

I got back to the room, and we continued with the scan.  She took lots of measurements, talked to me the whole way through it, telling me everything she was measuring, looking for, looking at, where the placenta for each is located (one on the front of my uterus, one on the back side), when she was done she said Dr. Kenney would be right in.

When he came in I instantly felt at ease with him.  I had worried that only seeing this high risk doc would make me seem like a 'number' at his office, but he assured us that as his patient we would be extended an "open door policy".  So if I had a concern or problem I could call and get in that very day!  AND he told me that he will do an ultrasound EVERY single visit!  We talked about losing Calleigh last year and his single most concern for us seemed to be that at least one of our babies would have about a 50% chance of having Down Syndrome.  He kept talking about delivery, and about how he could deliver vaginally if the first twin is normal and the second one is breech, but if the first one is breech then we'd have to do a C-Section right away.  As he kept talking about delivery and what would happen "down the road" I felt something that I hadn't felt since we had the positive pregnancy test - - I felt like there really was a chance that my babies would be coming home to live with us!  That emotion was so unfamiliar to me, but oh so sweet to finally feel! Not that we are out of any woods yet, BUT I did allow myself to think more about what would be happening in 7 months!  :)

So here are the pics of our beautiful twins - Twin B and Twin A!

 My next appointment is in two weeks! Keep us in your prayers!

Love and Peace to All!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

15 Months . . .

456 Days . . . 10,944 hours . . . 656,640 minutes . . . 39,398,400 seconds . . . - That is how long it’s been since I last held the physical body of my precious little girl inside of me.

I don’t know if people who have not gone through a loss can even understand that it has been 39,398,400 seconds of pure heartache for me while grieving for Calleigh Joy. No, I’m not depressed. No, I don’t spend 24 hours a day crying and carrying on. No, my life has not stopped. No, I haven’t neglected my other kids, or my husband, or my house (well, it could use a good deep-cleaning, but that’s pretty usual for me). I just have a constant thought in my mind about what she would be doing now, or what would she look like, or what would her voice sound like, or what color would her eyes be… And I really don’t know if that will ever stop. I’ve talked to other moms who have suffered losses at 11, 16, 20 or more years ago, and they all say the same thing – they always wonder what their child would be like, who they would be friends with, what talents they would’ve been blessed with, who they would’ve married, etc…

So, this week kind of hits me doubly hard. Today is 15 months since I had Calleigh after her heart stopped beating (for reasons still unknown) while I was 7 months pregnant with her, and this Saturday will be one-year since I was due with Calleigh Joy. I was due with her on April 21st, 2011 which also happened to be Corey and my 21st wedding anniversary. So, here we are, one year later – last year Corey and I really did not celebrate our anniversary at all – the grief was still too raw. I thought last April 21st I would be getting ready to deliver our beautiful baby girl, instead we were burying her ashes. This year on April 21st, Corey and I are celebrating our 22nd Anniversary and we will be almost 9 weeks pregnant with twins… I know I’ve said this before, but Twin A and Twin B don’t make me stop missing CJ any more then I did before they existed. I have a new and totally different affection for each of these new lives inside of me and I have totally and completely fallen in love with each of them, just like I fully love each of my children whether they live in Palmyra, half way across the U.S., Heaven or they aren’t even born yet!

The emotion I’ve been working through this week is FEAR. It’s like everywhere I turn, everyone I talk to, something I read, something I listen to, something I come across on-line – is addressing FEAR. This has been so powerful for me this week as I struggle constantly with fear over the lives of these two new little ones that are hopefully growing inside me. I fear losing them, I fear starting the grieving process over, I fear considering myself a failure for the rest of my life, I fear fear!

"The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace." Psalm 29:11

I read this verse yesterday morning as I was having a particularly difficult time. Isn't it amazing how God puts just the right thought, verse, person, song etc... in your path right when you need it. Of course there are times when I feel like I just need to be still so I can hear the voice of God. Just the other day I was fretting over something or another and I exclaimed to Corey that this journey is quite a bit more difficult than I had even imagined it would be. I knew having another baby would be hard and emotional, but this is crazy fear I'm talking about... As he sat there and listened to me he gently reminded me that I had given these babies to God to do with what He willed. And yes, that there was a good possibility that these babies wouldn't be coming home to live with us either... and as he went on in his smug speech I quickly reported to Him that I only gave ONE of these babies to God, because I had my little heart-to-heart with him before I knew there was TWO! And as quickly as I jumped in and interrupted him it was his turn to cut me off. He told me in a very stern voice, "Then I suggest you have another heart-to-heart with God and give him the second baby too. And the sooner the better!"

Corey is so good for me. He really keeps me in line and always focuses me back to the One that I should be focused on! So, I am humbled to report that I DID have another heart-to-heart, I DID give Him BOTH babies and I AM trusting HIM! As I was driving home from worship team practice last night the song "Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns came on the radio. (see what I mean about always the exact things I need to hear at the exact right time!) I love that song, and as I looked for a good version of it on You Tube I came across this one that I'm posting. It doesn't have the lyrics, but throughout the song it puts up verses that really spoke to my soul! I encourage you to watch it!


So, as I sign off of this post I am asking for prayers once again. Prayers to get through the week of "triggers" about Calleigh Joy, and prayers for my doctors appointment tomorrow! (I see the High Risk Specialist for the first time tomorrow at 2 p.m.) And prayers to relinquish my FEARS to the One who can calm any sea!

Love and Peace to All! :)

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish…

I love Dr. Seuss books! I recently heard my mom say that she never liked Dr. Seuss and never read it to us kids – that explains so much about my childhood! (just kidding mom!) But seriously, I do really like Dr. Seuss – I like his whimsical way of writing, I like his nonsense words that when read in the context of his books they just flow from the readers mouth, I like the imagination that evokes while reading his works, I like trying to read the stories so fast that your tongue can not help but get caught and twisted up. And further more, I liked reading Dr. Seuss books to Justen and Taylor while they were young simply because I loved to see the pleasure on their faces while the quirky stories were unfolding in front of them.

When Justen was about 3 we bought him this cute little white t-shirt and it said “One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish” and had the Dr. Seuss pictures that went along with each of them. I loved dressing him in that little shirt and it was the kind of top that could be worn by a boy or girl so of course that was one of the things we saved for Taylor! I know I have a picture of Taylor in that shirt (it was during her first year in Cubbies), but I don’t believe I remember seeing one of Justen. It’s funny how we are as parents. If I knew then what I know now I would have been a lot more purposeful about documenting the times and things that I enjoyed with my kids, but at the time they were little I just didn’t think what we were doing on a daily basis was that big of a deal. Well, now that Justen is half way across the country and Taylor is already sixteen, I really wish I would’ve paused more back then to really appreciate our day to day activities – like dressing Justen in a sweet little t-shirt with colorful fish on it!

Those feelings make me miss Calleigh even more! Realizing every day what I will NOT have with her. No Dr. Seuss books, no swinging on the swing set, no flying like an airplane on daddy’s legs as he lies on the floor… Wow, I sure do miss that little girl. I also miss what kind of big sister she would have been to her two little sisters…, or her two little brothers…, or her little brother and little sister…

Yep, we saw our babies yesterday at our ultrasound and they were a PERFECT PAIR! Two babies, two sacks, two heartbeats, two heads, four arms, four legs… you get the point!

I can’t even begin to articulate the emotions that were going through my head yesterday as we saw them. Two babies. Corey just kept saying, “two, two, two…” over and over again!

The night before my appointment Corey and I decided that we were going to stop at the grocery store before hand since right after I needed to get back to work. There is a newer store not far from my doctor’s office in Omaha that I have stopped at frequently during my many trips up there over the past several months. So yesterday we got ready and left early so we could get that done beforehand, and as I was about finished I found myself wandering aimlessly through aisles I’d already been in or ones I didn’t need anything out of. Corey exclaimed that as nervous as I was I couldn’t wander around the store forever, I needed to face my fear and get to my appointment.

The short drive from the store to the office was pretty quiet. I had a “nervous, cautiously excited, scared, slightly anxious” thing going on. I was afraid of what the ultrasound would show. I was afraid of what the ultrasound would not show. NOT that I was afraid of multiples, I already told Corey that I strongly believed there were two. (and he kept telling me to stop talking myself in to two!) :) NOT that I was afraid of something being wrong with the baby because we accepted the fact that God is in control. I think I was afraid of seeing the baby because I had already fallen madly-head-over-heels-in-love with the little one I was carrying (even though I told myself I would NOT get so attached until it was here). We had already “leaked” our news to many people (even though I told myself that if we got pregnant again I wouldn’t tell a soul until I couldn’t hide it anymore). We had given this child to God to do with what He willed, but as much as I meant it, I still knew my heart would break if He decided to take this baby too!

So we entered the office and Chris, the receptionist, met us with a huge smile. She asked how I had been feeling and I told her fine, but nervous! She told me she understood completely, but just try to stay calm. After only a few minutes in the waiting room my name was called and it was time to go back. . . It was right then that I realized why this was so hard for me. The last time I had an ultrasound done WHILE PREGNANT was to confirm that Calleigh Joy’s life and soul was no longer with us on this earth. The last time I had laid down on an ultrasound table WHILE PREGNANT was at Dr. Kinney’s office that awful day of January 17th, 2011. Sure, I had had lots of ultrasounds over the past 14 months, but they were all done with an empty womb hoping beyond hope that a follicle would grow, release and get fertilized. Now, as I walked back to that room that I had had at least 7 scans in, my mind raced back to Calleigh’s last ultrasound. “Lord”, I prayed, “please let me see a heartbeat”.

Before my technician even started the scan she was so bubbly and chatty, I had dealt with her a couple other times and I really like her. She was so optimistic, positive and didn’t really seem like she had a care in the world. She was very confident that we would see a heartbeat. I told her I wished that I were as sure as she was. She gave me a quick wink and got started. Well about 2 seconds in to it she said, “do you see what I see?” I sure did!! TWO sacks, perfectly formed with a little tiny baby inside each sack. As my eyes strained to decipher where there heartbeat should be, my nurse said “OK, now for what you’ve been waiting to see” as she zoomed in on Twin A’s heart. The fluttering of that teensy tiny little organ was what this dragged-through-the-mud-and-stomped-on-mommy needed to see. It was a beautiful site! Then she zoned in on it with these two lines and we heard it audibly – like a train in water! It was so peaceful, I would’ve laid there all day and listened to that if they would’ve let me! 156 beats per minute. I was told the rate should be at least 100 by this stage, then I was worried that it was too high. No, she assured me, it was PERFECT, healthy and strong. After taking a few more measurements of Twin A she moved the machine up towards Twin B. “There it is momma, another perfect heartbeat.” Wow, I was feeling blessed beyond measure! Twin B’s heart rate was 148 – well in to the normal range! The rest of Twin B’s measurements were great and as she finished up she told us that all of the pictures she took were for us, she just needed to record some numbers off of them and she’d hand them over.

The ride home was full of text and picture sending messages and replies and before I knew it we were back in Palmyra and I had to get ready for work. I can not thank my friends and family for the support we were shown yesterday. It would’ve been easy for people to not act happy considering we really are very early on in this pregnancy and a lot can still go very wrong! But the outpouring of love Corey and I felt yesterday afternoon and evening was beyond imaginable. Between the constant stream of texts and messages on facebook with well-wishers assuring us they are praying for us, to one friend saying “ARE YOU FREAKING OUT BECAUSE I’M ABOUT TO BURST!”, and another friend exclaimed “I want to take a step of faith and celebrate at the same time” as she invited me to an evening out. From a precious Skype time last evening with my beautiful nieces in North Carolina (and their parents!) to my S-I-L here assuring me that if/when I get put on bed rest she’ll make sure everything is taken care of.

All I can say is WOW – when I ask you people to show us love and support and positive feedback you all sure do listen!!!

And as I was getting ready for bed last night I had the urge to read “One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish” to Twin A and Twin B – so I did just that!

Love and Peace to All! : )

Friday, April 6, 2012

Jumping Through Hoops and Over Hurdles . . .

The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps. {Proverbs 16:9}


April 9th, 2011 – Corey and I decide for sure that we want to try and have another baby. NOT to replace Calleigh Joy, but one to love and raise and tell about Jesus.

September, 2011 – After we did not accomplish this on our own we decide to seek the guidance of our OB doctor in Lincoln. He puts me on Clomid for three months with no results .

November, 2011 – Realizing time is short (yes, I grasp the fact that I’m old…) our Lincoln OB refers us to an Infertility Clinic in Omaha.

December 5th, 2011 – Our first informational visit in Omaha.

December 24th, 2011 – Initial blood work for Corey and I. (Yes, this was Christmas Eve! Everything is done on Cycle Days – no matter what day of the week those days just might happen to fall on.)

December 30th, 2011 – The ever fun HSG x-ray. (If you don’t know, take my word for it - it sucks!)

January, 2012 – Many trips to Omaha for labs, tests, Plan of Care Meeting, and FINALLY on the 24th my first scan for our first cycle where we were going to do the procedure.

February 3rd, 2012 – The season’s largest snowstorm was forecast to come through the area, so we decided to head up to Omaha that evening, stay in a motel and beat the storm.

February 4th, 2012 – Woke up to 9 inches of snow and leisurely made our way to the office (after truck problems! Ha Ha) for our first IUI procedure.

February 18th, 2012 – Took a pregnancy test and it was negative.

February 22nd, 2012 – First scan for our second cycle where we were going to do the procedure.

March 2nd, 2012 – Second IUI procedure. (And the last one we were going to try. We went in to this saying two or three times, but expenses and Corey’s Carpel Tunnel surgery was going to limit this to the last time.)

March 11th, 2012 – Took a VERY EARLY pregnancy test and if I looked long and hard and tried to convince myself, I could barely see a second line… Corey told me it was my imagination and that it was too early to test.

March 16th, 2012 – Took another test when I was suppose to! At 5:30 a.m. I woke up to go to the bathroom and decided I might as well test then. I did. It was positive. This time a very dark second line immerged so there was no way that anyone could miss it. Went upstairs to go back to bed but I was shaking and crying from pure excitement, nervousness and joy. I woke Corey up (wasn’t planning to that early, but he woke up asking what was wrong), at 6:30 we woke up Justen and Taylor to inform them! (It was so nice to have Justen here so we could tell him in person instead of over Skype!)

Yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. {Habakkuk 3:18}


March 16th, 2012 – Called the doctors office and informed them of the positive test. They had me come in that morning for an HCG blood test. That afternoon they called with the results. The “normal” should be around 100, but “normal” can be quite different for every person… mine was 300. A higher number 'could’ mean multiples, but not always…

March 19th, 2012 – Went to Omaha for my second HCG blood test. That afternoon they called back with the results. “Normally” in that amount of time my levels should have doubled. Mine almost tripled. 878. Multiples were still not a sure thing, but something to start thinking about and getting ourselves mentally prepared for.

March 27th, 2012 – On the way home from Worship Team practice at church I am totally over-come with emotions about this baby (possibly babies…). I realize that there are no guarantees and that miscarriage chances are very high because of my age and getting pregnant through IUI. I also realize that even though we went through the most heart-breaking loss I could ever imagine when we lost Calleigh Joy, that God still “owed” me NOTHING. And that just because we had to say 'goodbye’ to Calleigh on this earth does NOT mean that I am somehow “entitled” to have a healthy, happy ending pregnancy. I have met several women who have endured loss after loss after loss… So driving down the highway I poured my heart out to God and turned this little life that is hopefully still growing strong inside of me over to God. I simply said “It is Yours to do with what You will…” We obviously are hoping for a healthy, live baby to be born right before Thanksgiving, around my Dad’s 70th Birthday - - but if God decides to take this one home with Him also, we will still praise Him - The giver of life. We will be sad, we will mourn, we will cry, we will probably even have periods of anger… BUT we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that All the Time God is Good, God is Good All the Time!

April 1st, 2012 - After returning home from supper at friends' home, I was getting ready for bed and had a "brownish discharge". Sleep was very restless that night.

April 2nd, 2012 - Called my doctor first thing in the morning and since I hadn't had anything since the one time, I was suppose to watch it and call if it came back or changed. The thinking is it was from my progesterone... we are still trusting God for His provisions!

“The future is unpredictable, and the “unknown” can often be a source of concern and trepidation. We have no idea what tomorrow will bring, let alone what next month, next year, or the next decade will look like. As those who know the One who holds the future in His hands, we have no need to fear. In fact, we know that the future holds hope!” Ashley Pichea


On April 9th I have my first ultrasound. I’ll be eight weeks that day. If everything is going as planned we should be able to see how many there are, their heartbeat, and how their development looks so far. We already have names. As a matter of fact, Corey already talks to my tummy like the baby can hear him. He uses the names we have picked out (usually he uses the girl name, but once in a while he uses the boy name) and when he calls it the girl name several times in a row I ask him if he’s worried about giving him a complex. He says no, it’ll just make him tougher. Then he sings me some county western song I’ve never even heard before!

And here’s a hurdle I’m NOT looking forward to: during my pregnancy with Calleigh it seemed like every “Tom, Dick and Harry well-meaning person” I ran in to would tell me some horror story or would be very negative about my pregnancy. Back then I still had ‘pregnancy ignorance’ that if you made it past the first 12 weeks EVERYTHING would be OK. But I had people coming up to me at 20’ish weeks saying things like “when you are comfortable with this pregnancy….”, and telling me about losses at 20 plus weeks, and telling me about their daughter who had high blood pressure while pregnant and her doctor said no baby is born alive when the mother has high blood pressure and on medicine for it while pregnant… I KNOW most people who said stupid things to me didn’t mean them personally, but at times I certainly felt bombarded with the constant stream of attacks of negativity. So, if you run in to me - - - PLEASE refrain from saying something negative! I’ve heard it all before and I live with the constant fear already, I don’t need your help in that area! However, with that said, I would love to hear your positive well-wishes and blessings – I could NEVER hear too much of that! :)

I thank You for the friends who've failed to meet my soul's deep need;
They've driven me to the Savior's feet
Upon His love to feed.
I'm grateful too, through all life's way
No one could satisfy, And so I've found in You alone
My rich, my full supply!
~Florence White Willett

So, that brings me to my final thought for today… We haven’t yet announced this publically. I know that sounds weird since I’m posting this on a public blog, but I know that only those people who love and care for us come here to read my ramblings…. So - - - if we are friends on FaceBook, or you see me at church, or we pass on the street please feel free to share your positive thoughts, just refrain from letting “everyone” know!Today I’m only 7 weeks 5 days along and I know that Corey and I would love to have you praying for us. This will be a long bumpy road with lots more hurdles to jump over, but we are completely and utterly relying on God’s graciousness in our lives to hold us together and keep our focus on Him!

OK, I lied, I have one more thought. Just because I want to say this and get it out of the way before anyone might think differently:This pregnancy in no way, shape or form fills in the void that losing Calleigh Joy left in my heart! And quite frankly I’m getting sick of people telling me in so many words that I should be “over her” by now. I miss her, the dreams I had for her, the hopes I had for her, the things that “should’ve been” with her, the milestones that should’ve been reached by her… I rejoice daily knowing that she is eternally praising God, but my earthly heart aches every single minute of every single day. And the only way anyone could possible understand that is if you have suffered a similar loss. No, not everyone that has a miscarriage or still born baby misses them (or seems to miss them) with such an intensity - - but many, many more couples (most as a matter of fact) do miss them with their whole hearts. So please try not to judge me. I am doing what I can and taking life one step at a time. And I do not ask you to stop talking about, posting stuff about and thinking about your live children, so please stop asking me to “get over” Calleigh Joy! (If this bothers you, there is a delete button and the last I knew no one forced anyone to read anything that anyone posts!)

WHEW! I feel better. I guess my main point is: if you have a question, please come to me in a loving way and talk to me. I’m not going to break. But please don’t judge me or talk behind my back like this is some clicky high school drama. And I don’t really think that anyone who reads this does any of those things! I think the people who read this love me and care about me – I just felt the need to say that! :)

Love and Peace to All!!