Friday, April 6, 2012

Jumping Through Hoops and Over Hurdles . . .

The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps. {Proverbs 16:9}

HOOPS:

April 9th, 2011 – Corey and I decide for sure that we want to try and have another baby. NOT to replace Calleigh Joy, but one to love and raise and tell about Jesus.

September, 2011 – After we did not accomplish this on our own we decide to seek the guidance of our OB doctor in Lincoln. He puts me on Clomid for three months with no results .

November, 2011 – Realizing time is short (yes, I grasp the fact that I’m old…) our Lincoln OB refers us to an Infertility Clinic in Omaha.

December 5th, 2011 – Our first informational visit in Omaha.

December 24th, 2011 – Initial blood work for Corey and I. (Yes, this was Christmas Eve! Everything is done on Cycle Days – no matter what day of the week those days just might happen to fall on.)

December 30th, 2011 – The ever fun HSG x-ray. (If you don’t know, take my word for it - it sucks!)

January, 2012 – Many trips to Omaha for labs, tests, Plan of Care Meeting, and FINALLY on the 24th my first scan for our first cycle where we were going to do the procedure.

February 3rd, 2012 – The season’s largest snowstorm was forecast to come through the area, so we decided to head up to Omaha that evening, stay in a motel and beat the storm.

February 4th, 2012 – Woke up to 9 inches of snow and leisurely made our way to the office (after truck problems! Ha Ha) for our first IUI procedure.

February 18th, 2012 – Took a pregnancy test and it was negative.

February 22nd, 2012 – First scan for our second cycle where we were going to do the procedure.

March 2nd, 2012 – Second IUI procedure. (And the last one we were going to try. We went in to this saying two or three times, but expenses and Corey’s Carpel Tunnel surgery was going to limit this to the last time.)

March 11th, 2012 – Took a VERY EARLY pregnancy test and if I looked long and hard and tried to convince myself, I could barely see a second line… Corey told me it was my imagination and that it was too early to test.

March 16th, 2012 – Took another test when I was suppose to! At 5:30 a.m. I woke up to go to the bathroom and decided I might as well test then. I did. It was positive. This time a very dark second line immerged so there was no way that anyone could miss it. Went upstairs to go back to bed but I was shaking and crying from pure excitement, nervousness and joy. I woke Corey up (wasn’t planning to that early, but he woke up asking what was wrong), at 6:30 we woke up Justen and Taylor to inform them! (It was so nice to have Justen here so we could tell him in person instead of over Skype!)

Yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. {Habakkuk 3:18}


HURDLES:

March 16th, 2012 – Called the doctors office and informed them of the positive test. They had me come in that morning for an HCG blood test. That afternoon they called with the results. The “normal” should be around 100, but “normal” can be quite different for every person… mine was 300. A higher number 'could’ mean multiples, but not always…

March 19th, 2012 – Went to Omaha for my second HCG blood test. That afternoon they called back with the results. “Normally” in that amount of time my levels should have doubled. Mine almost tripled. 878. Multiples were still not a sure thing, but something to start thinking about and getting ourselves mentally prepared for.

March 27th, 2012 – On the way home from Worship Team practice at church I am totally over-come with emotions about this baby (possibly babies…). I realize that there are no guarantees and that miscarriage chances are very high because of my age and getting pregnant through IUI. I also realize that even though we went through the most heart-breaking loss I could ever imagine when we lost Calleigh Joy, that God still “owed” me NOTHING. And that just because we had to say 'goodbye’ to Calleigh on this earth does NOT mean that I am somehow “entitled” to have a healthy, happy ending pregnancy. I have met several women who have endured loss after loss after loss… So driving down the highway I poured my heart out to God and turned this little life that is hopefully still growing strong inside of me over to God. I simply said “It is Yours to do with what You will…” We obviously are hoping for a healthy, live baby to be born right before Thanksgiving, around my Dad’s 70th Birthday - - but if God decides to take this one home with Him also, we will still praise Him - The giver of life. We will be sad, we will mourn, we will cry, we will probably even have periods of anger… BUT we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that All the Time God is Good, God is Good All the Time!

April 1st, 2012 - After returning home from supper at friends' home, I was getting ready for bed and had a "brownish discharge". Sleep was very restless that night.

April 2nd, 2012 - Called my doctor first thing in the morning and since I hadn't had anything since the one time, I was suppose to watch it and call if it came back or changed. The thinking is it was from my progesterone... we are still trusting God for His provisions!


“The future is unpredictable, and the “unknown” can often be a source of concern and trepidation. We have no idea what tomorrow will bring, let alone what next month, next year, or the next decade will look like. As those who know the One who holds the future in His hands, we have no need to fear. In fact, we know that the future holds hope!” Ashley Pichea


MORE HURDLES TO COME…

On April 9th I have my first ultrasound. I’ll be eight weeks that day. If everything is going as planned we should be able to see how many there are, their heartbeat, and how their development looks so far. We already have names. As a matter of fact, Corey already talks to my tummy like the baby can hear him. He uses the names we have picked out (usually he uses the girl name, but once in a while he uses the boy name) and when he calls it the girl name several times in a row I ask him if he’s worried about giving him a complex. He says no, it’ll just make him tougher. Then he sings me some county western song I’ve never even heard before!

And here’s a hurdle I’m NOT looking forward to: during my pregnancy with Calleigh it seemed like every “Tom, Dick and Harry well-meaning person” I ran in to would tell me some horror story or would be very negative about my pregnancy. Back then I still had ‘pregnancy ignorance’ that if you made it past the first 12 weeks EVERYTHING would be OK. But I had people coming up to me at 20’ish weeks saying things like “when you are comfortable with this pregnancy….”, and telling me about losses at 20 plus weeks, and telling me about their daughter who had high blood pressure while pregnant and her doctor said no baby is born alive when the mother has high blood pressure and on medicine for it while pregnant… I KNOW most people who said stupid things to me didn’t mean them personally, but at times I certainly felt bombarded with the constant stream of attacks of negativity. So, if you run in to me - - - PLEASE refrain from saying something negative! I’ve heard it all before and I live with the constant fear already, I don’t need your help in that area! However, with that said, I would love to hear your positive well-wishes and blessings – I could NEVER hear too much of that! :)

I thank You for the friends who've failed to meet my soul's deep need;
They've driven me to the Savior's feet
Upon His love to feed.
I'm grateful too, through all life's way
No one could satisfy, And so I've found in You alone
My rich, my full supply!
~Florence White Willett


So, that brings me to my final thought for today… We haven’t yet announced this publically. I know that sounds weird since I’m posting this on a public blog, but I know that only those people who love and care for us come here to read my ramblings…. So - - - if we are friends on FaceBook, or you see me at church, or we pass on the street please feel free to share your positive thoughts, just refrain from letting “everyone” know!Today I’m only 7 weeks 5 days along and I know that Corey and I would love to have you praying for us. This will be a long bumpy road with lots more hurdles to jump over, but we are completely and utterly relying on God’s graciousness in our lives to hold us together and keep our focus on Him!

OK, I lied, I have one more thought. Just because I want to say this and get it out of the way before anyone might think differently:This pregnancy in no way, shape or form fills in the void that losing Calleigh Joy left in my heart! And quite frankly I’m getting sick of people telling me in so many words that I should be “over her” by now. I miss her, the dreams I had for her, the hopes I had for her, the things that “should’ve been” with her, the milestones that should’ve been reached by her… I rejoice daily knowing that she is eternally praising God, but my earthly heart aches every single minute of every single day. And the only way anyone could possible understand that is if you have suffered a similar loss. No, not everyone that has a miscarriage or still born baby misses them (or seems to miss them) with such an intensity - - but many, many more couples (most as a matter of fact) do miss them with their whole hearts. So please try not to judge me. I am doing what I can and taking life one step at a time. And I do not ask you to stop talking about, posting stuff about and thinking about your live children, so please stop asking me to “get over” Calleigh Joy! (If this bothers you, there is a delete button and the last I knew no one forced anyone to read anything that anyone posts!)

WHEW! I feel better. I guess my main point is: if you have a question, please come to me in a loving way and talk to me. I’m not going to break. But please don’t judge me or talk behind my back like this is some clicky high school drama. And I don’t really think that anyone who reads this does any of those things! I think the people who read this love me and care about me – I just felt the need to say that! :)

Love and Peace to All!!

10 comments:

  1. I'm excited for your 8 week ultrasound!! Yes, a lot of hoops and hurdles...but you are doing a good job believing God. <3

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    1. Beth, I'm excited to be on this journey with YOU! We can support each other! :)

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  2. Kindy, I am so very happy for you!!!! I can imagine this is a difficult road. I am so very afraid to get pregnant again. I will be praying for you every day, Believing God that you will bringing this baby home! You are such a testimony, I feel so much truth and love in your posts!

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    1. Thanks Tesha! Scary, but trusting God! :)

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  3. I'm so excited for you two and it was great that Justen was here when you found out! I've been praying for you and will send up extra prayers on Monday. You are such an inspiration and a beautiful godly woman inside and out! I liked the part where you took the test early in the morning, I did that with Leah and woke up Jim to tell him. I noticed a glowing smile on Sunday when you were singing, but leave it to my husband to figure it out. :)

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    1. I know! Did you love the way I called him to help me set up the room! He pretty much knew right away! :) Thanks Carrie, we really appreciate the love and prayers!

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    2. Hi! Just stopping by from Grief Journeys to say Congratulations! Prayers for you and your baby (ies)!

      xoxox

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    3. Thanks Hillary! Prayers are so needed and appreciated! Thank you!

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  4. Kindy, I couldn't be happier for you! You have a trust in God much stronger than mine...I blamed God for many years that He wouldn't allow me to get pregnant and have a baby of my own. Little did I know the path He had planned for me....and I wouldn't have changed it if I could.
    God Bless you, your pregnancy and the baby(ies)! Congratulations!

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    1. Thank you Cheryl! Still such a long way to go. I know exactly how you feel! :)

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