Wednesday, April 18, 2012

15 Months . . .

456 Days . . . 10,944 hours . . . 656,640 minutes . . . 39,398,400 seconds . . . - That is how long it’s been since I last held the physical body of my precious little girl inside of me.

I don’t know if people who have not gone through a loss can even understand that it has been 39,398,400 seconds of pure heartache for me while grieving for Calleigh Joy. No, I’m not depressed. No, I don’t spend 24 hours a day crying and carrying on. No, my life has not stopped. No, I haven’t neglected my other kids, or my husband, or my house (well, it could use a good deep-cleaning, but that’s pretty usual for me). I just have a constant thought in my mind about what she would be doing now, or what would she look like, or what would her voice sound like, or what color would her eyes be… And I really don’t know if that will ever stop. I’ve talked to other moms who have suffered losses at 11, 16, 20 or more years ago, and they all say the same thing – they always wonder what their child would be like, who they would be friends with, what talents they would’ve been blessed with, who they would’ve married, etc…

So, this week kind of hits me doubly hard. Today is 15 months since I had Calleigh after her heart stopped beating (for reasons still unknown) while I was 7 months pregnant with her, and this Saturday will be one-year since I was due with Calleigh Joy. I was due with her on April 21st, 2011 which also happened to be Corey and my 21st wedding anniversary. So, here we are, one year later – last year Corey and I really did not celebrate our anniversary at all – the grief was still too raw. I thought last April 21st I would be getting ready to deliver our beautiful baby girl, instead we were burying her ashes. This year on April 21st, Corey and I are celebrating our 22nd Anniversary and we will be almost 9 weeks pregnant with twins… I know I’ve said this before, but Twin A and Twin B don’t make me stop missing CJ any more then I did before they existed. I have a new and totally different affection for each of these new lives inside of me and I have totally and completely fallen in love with each of them, just like I fully love each of my children whether they live in Palmyra, half way across the U.S., Heaven or they aren’t even born yet!

The emotion I’ve been working through this week is FEAR. It’s like everywhere I turn, everyone I talk to, something I read, something I listen to, something I come across on-line – is addressing FEAR. This has been so powerful for me this week as I struggle constantly with fear over the lives of these two new little ones that are hopefully growing inside me. I fear losing them, I fear starting the grieving process over, I fear considering myself a failure for the rest of my life, I fear fear!

"The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace." Psalm 29:11

I read this verse yesterday morning as I was having a particularly difficult time. Isn't it amazing how God puts just the right thought, verse, person, song etc... in your path right when you need it. Of course there are times when I feel like I just need to be still so I can hear the voice of God. Just the other day I was fretting over something or another and I exclaimed to Corey that this journey is quite a bit more difficult than I had even imagined it would be. I knew having another baby would be hard and emotional, but this is crazy fear I'm talking about... As he sat there and listened to me he gently reminded me that I had given these babies to God to do with what He willed. And yes, that there was a good possibility that these babies wouldn't be coming home to live with us either... and as he went on in his smug speech I quickly reported to Him that I only gave ONE of these babies to God, because I had my little heart-to-heart with him before I knew there was TWO! And as quickly as I jumped in and interrupted him it was his turn to cut me off. He told me in a very stern voice, "Then I suggest you have another heart-to-heart with God and give him the second baby too. And the sooner the better!"

Corey is so good for me. He really keeps me in line and always focuses me back to the One that I should be focused on! So, I am humbled to report that I DID have another heart-to-heart, I DID give Him BOTH babies and I AM trusting HIM! As I was driving home from worship team practice last night the song "Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns came on the radio. (see what I mean about always the exact things I need to hear at the exact right time!) I love that song, and as I looked for a good version of it on You Tube I came across this one that I'm posting. It doesn't have the lyrics, but throughout the song it puts up verses that really spoke to my soul! I encourage you to watch it!


So, as I sign off of this post I am asking for prayers once again. Prayers to get through the week of "triggers" about Calleigh Joy, and prayers for my doctors appointment tomorrow! (I see the High Risk Specialist for the first time tomorrow at 2 p.m.) And prayers to relinquish my FEARS to the One who can calm any sea!

Love and Peace to All! :)

1 comment:

  1. Beautiful video, I love that song. I will be saying extra prayers for you this difficult week. Also for your sweet babies, it is so encouraging to hear you say you are finding strength in the Lord. I am so fearful about a future pregnancy. I really love reading your post, they are so real and encouraging :)