Wednesday, July 18, 2012

18 Months on July 18th

In many ways it seems like just a couple weeks ago. In many more ways it seems like a lifetime ago. What I have figured out these past 18 months is that time is a funny thing. No matter how much time has gone by, my emotions, my love, my memories are all still there. There to remind me what was, what is and what I have to look forward to.

 18 months. What would she be doing? . . . What words would she be saying? . . . Would she like the water like her brother Justen? . . . Would she like to play dress-up like her sister Taylor? . . . Would she kiss my tummy and talk to the babies with excitement? . . . Would the babies even be in my tummy if she were here? . . . What stuffed animal would she insist that she took to bed with her every night? . . . Would she be ticklish? . . . Would she like to walk barefoot in the grass? . . . Would she like to swing? . . . Would she like to pick the “pretty yellow flowers” that grow in the yard much to Daddy’s dismay? . . . Would she have blonde, thick, slightly wavy hair and brown eyes?

 These are all questions that moms want to know when they’ve experienced a still-birth. More than anything for me it seems to be the questions. What would? Who would? Would she? As I look at pictures of her perfect fingers with little tiny fingernails I wonder if she would like to play the piano? Would she play softball? Volleyball? Or would she prefer dirt and trucks and the sandbox?

 Today as we “celebrate” Calleigh Joy’s 18 month birthday/angelversary I wonder these things. But truthfully I wonder these things whether or not we are triggered by a milestone or not. So today, after our normal activities were done (work, youth group, softball practice, etc…) we went to the cemetery and we remembered. We lit sparklers, sang “Happy Birthday”, and wished that things were different and she was here with us celebrating her year and half birthday instead of us going to the cemetery all the time. And now we are thankful for what we are blessed with. We are blessed with a beautiful daughter that we named Calleigh Joy that has brought happiness in to our lives!

 It does seem kind of surreal to write that last line. I remember exactly one year ago: July 18th, 2011 – when a friend of mine was so worried about the depression that had so deeply set in to my life, that she prayerfully and gently suggested I see a Christian counselor to help me work through those feelings. I am so thankful that she did. I look back at my “calendar journal” during that time and can look back and see myself spiraling out of control, then I can see how talking to someone who just listened, who didn’t judge my feelings, and who offered me practical advice and weekly homework assignments, truly got me refocused and pointed back towards God and His loving way for my life. Did my hurt heart automatically heal? – NO! Did my life suddenly become a bed of roses? - NO! Did my tears suddenly stop? – NO! (as a matter of fact I’ve cried myself to sleep more than one night this past week alone!) But it did help renew my hope and joy for living. 

Another thing that’s been on my mind a lot lately is my reaction to people when they talk about, get excited for and ask questions about the twins . . . DO NOT get me wrong! I love talking about them, and I welcome any one to talk about them with me!!! It’s just that sometimes I know I seem a bit “weird” when I speak about them. I feel a sense of panic rise up in my throat. I can’t really explain it, just that this pregnancy is so different. There are so many more emotions this time and they seem to randomly appear when I least expect them. I am trying my best to enjoy every day, but honestly I just want them here and healthy and alive. I want people to be able to ask questions, but sometimes I feel like a blubbering mess trying to explain myself and my seeming lack of excitement for Brayden and Payzleigh. If I have reacted in this way to you, please know that is not the case! It’s just sometimes more than my heart can handle at that moment to talk about showers, or what theme I’m doing the nursery in, or if I’ve started stocking up on baby things, when I haven’t even reached the point in this pregnancy yet that I lost Calleigh Joy. So as much as my mind wants to get started getting everything ready, my heart is not yet in that place.

 Again, I will reiterate – I do not want people to stop talking to me. I just want an understanding to be there in case my heart is having a particularly sore day! These twins are not Calleigh’s replacement! And I miss her more and more with each passing day.

 Peace and Love to All!!

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