Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Emotional Mess – Orderly Obedience – And Every Chaotic Feeling In-Between

So... Here are the days I missed blogging about for ‘31 Days to Pray for Your Spouse’: Emotions, Spiritual Growth, Mind, Work & Obedience. And in ‘31 Days of Praise’ the focus each day has been: Worshiping God as the Creator, Thanking Him for my weaknesses, Thanking Him for ordaining all the days of my life for me, Rejoicing in my forgiveness of sin, & Thanking God that He chose me in Christ before the creation of the world.

“Feelings are much like waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf.” (Jonathan Martensson)

In the past five days I have felt the whole gamut of emotions and feelings. I have attended two funerals (both for people who are considered to be ‘gone too soon’), I have had two catch-up sessions with two long-time friends (both chats were very much needed!), I spent the better part of Sunday in the E.R. with Corey, found out a friend is going through an extremely difficult situation, worked four shifts at the bank, found out that a friend’s daughter was back in the hospital, found out another friend is in the hospital, watched the movie ‘The Help’ with my family (Justen hadn’t seen it before and it’s one of Taylor and my favorites), we had a pre-sort-of-birthday-party-get-together with my parents and brother, sister and nephews, finished planning and talking about details for Taylor’s 16th birthday, tried to spend as much quality time with Justen as I possibly could, and a new friend from our grief support group had a new baby (healthy, beautiful and oh-so-loved)!!

“Joy, anger, sadness, pride, jealousy, contentment, peace, etc. Each of these can be God-honoring, but they each also have the potential to be rooted in sin. We must learn to control our emotions, expressing only those which are honoring to God, and confessing those that are not.” (Ashley Pichea)

I know that during any few days, most peoples schedules can look like this, but truth be known I’m kind of out of practice for this type of stress and running. For the past almost 14 months I have sheltered my heart, got rid of all unnecessary things, tried to not get involved in other peoples hurts – as my heart was not emotionally ready, and I did not allow myself the feeling of happiness on a regular basis. This has been hard for me, but slowly and surely I feel my ‘old self’ coming back, and it kinda scares me. It’s been awhile!

“Surely our griefs He Himself bore, And our sorrows He carried….” {Isaiah 53:4}

As I have mentioned before, when I was going to a grief counselor last summer she gave me weekly assignments to work on. Most of the assignments I (or Corey and I) completed with hardly any problems – EXCEPT ONE. One task in particular I could not, no way, no how, couldn’t even THINK about completing. As a matter of fact, until very recently, if I even THOUGHT about completing this assignment I would start to cry and shake and almost have a panic attack. I have talked about it with a dear friend, and she tried to figure out why this was so hard for me. All I can say is it just is… I know in my heart it shouldn’t be. I know in my mind it’s something that I need to do (and should’ve done a long time ago). I know with every fiber of my being that this is truly holding me back. But do think I could bring myself to complete it? NO!

“.....take every thought captive to obey Christ.” (2 Cor. 10:5b)

So, the assignment that I didn't complete was to hold a baby. This bothers me that I haven't been able to do this. The last baby I held was Calleigh Joy. I'm not sure why this gives me such apprehension, but I'm literally starting to breathe fast and shallow just typing this...

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)
"Todo lo puedo en Cristo, que me fortalece." (Filipenses 4:13)

Oh, I've known lots of couples that have had babies - just none I felt comfortable enough to walk up to and say "Hey, I want to hold your baby. And I know I'll cry. And I'll probably want to keep it. And I'll probably look longingly into their face and want to check out every single inch of them. And I'll probably cry some more. And I probably won't want to let go. Oh, and I don't want anyone else around because this will be extremely difficult for me." You know, with my 'normal' friends I don't feel comfortable enough asking this. I don't think they would understand. Heck, my family doesn't even understand me, how can I expect people not related to me to understand me. I don't know that I could trust my emotions if I was turned down. I know my heart is not strong enough. I just keep wondering if I hold another baby if I will forget what it was like to hold C.J. That is all I have left, my memories of holding her. Unlike Justen and Taylor that I got to make new memories with every single day, my memories of C.J. in the hospital are all I have left...

So, now we fast forward to my new friends that we met in our grief support group. When they were expecting I received a personal message letting me know about their upcoming bundle. They KNEW what I would be feeling, the emotions I was going through, the sadness mixed with joy for every person I know that gets the privilege of bringing new life into this world. The longing for that feeling again of complete pregnancy ignorance, where after you 'make it through' the first 12 weeks everything was definitely going to be OK. And guess what?!? For the first time in 14 months I was able to ask if when the baby arrives I could hold him. And she said she would be honored. Well, her beautiful, perfect healthy baby boy was born last night and I'm already starting to feel a bit anxious about holding him - but I'm also ready to take this next step!

" I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." {Philippians 3:14}

And now for my obedience... even though I did not blog about my Prayers and Praises for the last five days, I STILL DID THEM! I made the commitment to this adventure and no matter what my emotions are, I will keep going!

" Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." {Romans 12:2}

Peace and Love to All! :)

1 comment:

  1. Beautiful Post....I love the quote about feelings I have surfed on some pretty bad one's lately.
    My SIL is having a baby the same time Jonathan was due I know I will hold him and it will break my heart. I will say a prayer that your assignment is healing for you.